It's not easy to be truthful about what I am feeling, what I am struggling with. If someone asks, I usually pick one thing and just go with that. I was called on it yesterday by someone. They asked how I was and I said hanging in there. They wouldn't let me stay with that. They wanted to know really how I was. Not many people do that. I didn't answer fully b/c if I did, I would have had them running in the other direction.
I am not doing well. I can put on a front, smile and pretend, but the tears are so close to the surface, anger too. I have a list in my head of those who have not acknowledged my dad dying, those who have stayed silent through this and there is a mark against them. I don't want to do that, but it's there. I never knew how much an "I'm sorry for your loss" or a sympathy card meant before now. It's not the words that are important, it's the show of support, the understanding that I am in pain, my family is in pain, that means more than I ever thought it would. And knowing that changes how I will respond to someone who has lost someone, knowing that changes me.
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